actually, I'm a sock model
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
