Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
