Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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