dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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