Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
