I think my vagina is haunted
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
