Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
