He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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