Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
