i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Never joke about your clitoris.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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