my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
