peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
