well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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