oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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