I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
