and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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