I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize