Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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