And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
