Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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