Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize