i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
