btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
