true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
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