I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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