it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
