I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
