neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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