She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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