My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
