Your face is a jimmy john
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
