Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
