Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
