Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize