Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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