He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
