allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
