My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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