Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it was like his penis was on wheels.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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