when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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