Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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