nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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