Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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