A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
