So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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