well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
