I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
