I can tuck mytits in my pants
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
