Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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