it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
