I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
