bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
