it wasn't lemon gatorade
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
