Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
