remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
