we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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