he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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