Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
