Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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