Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
