Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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