I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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