his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
